There and back again… An invitation to Malta has unexpectedly led me into graduation and an intense initiation. But first and for all I want to wish you all a happy new year and my deepest blessings for a bright and fresh energy in this new year ahead. May you create many beautiful connection and discover the strength and love to embrace life even deeper than ever before!
Let me start to shed some light on what has been moving behind the screens here. As some of you already know, a lot has changed since the beginning of December. Life flipped upside down in very unexpected ways and my personal process went through a very fast paced adaptation period with a lot to clear out. And also contemplate on how to continue into the near future, on a personal level and professionally.
On the 5th of December me and Debra separated our ways. The true nature of the Twin Flame dynamic had come to my awareness where I accepted that this isn’t about the one and true love for the rest of your life, but that this is a connection that will push you through everything that has been holding you back from getting closer to your essence. The balance between your masculine and feminine aspects. And of course this doesn’t mean that it isn’t meant to become a union. It sure can be! But that isn’t in my experience the essence of what this dynamic is meant to do in nature.
We made a choice in 2021 to leave on a journey that would change our life on a very deep level and that would take us through our deepest wounds from our childhood and life times besides our current life experience. We left Belgium on an impulse to avoid the possibility of mandatory vaccination for children and the opportunity to have a job for me in Mallorca. Now obviously things went very differently than we had planned.
The journey started with not knowing where to go, how to provide and take care of our new family. So Debra went full-on into her part time business and I started to create my own concept. This took many shapes and forms during our travels through Spain. Becoming your own boss and working in the holistic branche is already a very personal process by itself. Because you’re providing assistance in personal development it is mandatory to keep track and face your own growth, blocks and perception. And it never stops… Learning and growing is a never ending journey through life. Already accepting this was a big load that dropped off my shoulders.
For a long time I had the impression that there was a goal to reach until I would be ready to help others. And of course, you need a certain amount of experience before you can direct your attention to others that could use some guidance and assistance along the way. But there comes a point where you have learned enough to get you to a point of helping others with the things you’ve already learned for yourself while continuing your own individual process.
And that was the intense part of this journey on one hand. The personal process. Add to that, the creation of your own business, also a very demanding and intense process. On the side, there was also the relationship dynamic that is always a journey through reflecting other parts that want to come to light, related to the way your parents have been raised and how they raised you as an individual and these are things that you take into your own intimate relationships. Also to be cleared out and to grow if you decide to open yourself to the nature of these dynamics.
Next to that for myself it was the first time to stand in a position of being responsible for a child too. Which is a very delicate and marvelous process. And a big responsibility.
Now traveling around, not having any security about the basics for a stable lifestyle make these challenges even more challenging and this is kind of the nutshell for the two years of our journey. Constant shadow work on many different levels, 7 days on 7. It felt like an Ayahuasca ceremony that was lasting for years without a break.
Sometimes I ask myself, did we push it too far? Was it wrong to go heads on into this journey following my intuition? On one side you could say yes and we might have had a slower process and maybe still be together. Now looking back at it, even though it still hurts to see where we stand today. I also have a level of love for this journey, for Debra, for Nora, that I haven’t felt for any partner yet in life. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t cherish past experiences with other partners. Only the Twin Flame dynamic was like getting baptized in fire and being forged in hot coals and ice cold baths over and over again.
To look back at the moment I arrived in Belgium after my last period in the Peruvian jungle and today. I almost don’t recognize myself anymore and the growth that happened is wild! So this is something I deeply embrace and even the word gratitude doesn’t do it’s right to express the magnitude of how I feel about this.
So separating with Debra took me to Toledo - Spain. Debra went back to Belgium to get a well deserved break to refigure out her own journey into the near future. For me I found myself after two years coming back into an older life setting that I deeply missed. I always loved social dynamics and being amongst groups of people, meeting new people and connecting out of pure curiosity of life and others their experiences. The first week of getting back in this setting made me realize how I have become a stranger myself to the life I used to love and live.
Adapting back to normal social dynamics, processing a break-up from my marriage, the need to refigure out my business that was built on the perspective of collaboration with everything that Debra was doing and the financial insecurity ramped up to another level than before. While going through my own grieving process and changing the business, I also tried to educate myself around the skills for marketing. Which was Debra, her specialty… Was again a short and powerful time in multitasking and taking care of many different layers at the same time. And I was already overwhelmed by everything that was going on, so it was a proper test in holding up my focus to go step by step, day by day through what life had to offer and what was available to me for me to continue my individual process. Thanks to my roommate, who was so kind hearted to invite me into her place, I did have the space to figure out my next steps during December and build up a social life again.
Now the online business is one thing, and of course I love talking with people and guiding them through their own individual process. But my heart was longing for the work that my soul desires to practice. I’m here to do shadow work with people and assist in holding the space in order to cleanse others and maintain this safe space for the parts where they have to go in for themselves. That ultimately brings me back to practicing the service of Kambo and assistance in ceremonies. So I thought it would be a good idea to follow that passion again and look around for any possibility to find work in groups where this is possible. This led me to search in communities on facebook to connect with people that have ceremonies going to find out if anybody could use some extra help in facilitating groups. And going through a trial and error experiment of how to discover a marketing style that felt natural to me instead of forcing my way to find work. And so I met this wonderful lady… Who’s name I’ll keep to myself for her privacy.
Apparently she also restrained from social media in order to get her work done, but just that one day she decided to come online and observe the online space to see what was up. And we found each other in a chat of the integration group around plant medicines and Amazonian traditions. Surprisingly she wanted to connect, and as we are both not so fond about doing this through texting in a chat, she invited me to have a video chat and connect directly.
This was such a warm and surprising meeting that we almost ended up talking for two hours on the phone and we had to remind ourselves of our schedules of the day in order to let go of our conversation. She wanted to take some time to feel into our connection too and see if our connection would go into the future.
Two days later she sent me a text message to reconnect and get on the phone. To share that she had a dream of us going to Peru and there was an impression that this could lead to a certain way of partnership or connection in a way you could say. Which wasn’t the plan at first. But it felt good! The idea was that I could come over to do a workshop on grounding and connecting with the body in a holistic perspective. Which I agreed to do. Even though I had to take a good look at how I would fill in a workshop that embodied something that would be of value to others. So I thought about sharing my morning routine and baptized it into a holistic self care workshop! She invited me to Malta to join them on the weekend of the old to the new year. Booked the ticket for the journey and all of a sudden I found myself preparing a workshop for a couple of weeks later to stand in front of a big group and share my very first workshop.
On the 29th of December I flew to Malta to meet people that I’ve haven’t met before and ready to enter a very intimate space (the ceremonies). A new adventure opened up and came into existence more rapidly than I ever could have expected. As soon as I arrived at her place, I was welcomed with a warmth and kindness that used to be familiar to me. Instead it made me realize how far I have been from such kindness and warmth… Being used to this in the past I was left flabbergasted by the love that was shared in Malta.
With a big hug and a quick introduction into the place, we left for the supermarket to get some food for the evening.
In the supermarket I was blown away about the food selection and the Maltese culture. Along our way through the market we encountered some of the participants that had already arrived and one of the musicians that would be a part of the guiding team in the ceremonies to come. One after another such warm and loving people… It kind of left me speechless, hahaha… Hmm so grateful for it all!
So the day after we started to pack the cars and I went on with a friend of my host and her son (two other beautiful souls) to go and prepare the location for the guests and the weekend to come. And we had tons of fun and very interesting conversation along the road to the island where this would be continuing. Malta has different islands that are connected by ferries like you would take a metro in Madrid or any other big city here in Europe. Traffic is crazy in Malta! Small island and a lot of people that love to drive their cars individually. So being there on the weekend for new years eve that was coming up, many people were moving around and enjoying the free days leading up to this holiday.
Around the evening (6PM) we were kind of ready with the preparations and people started to arrive. By then I already felt so at home that I didn’t even realize that I just met all these lovely people. And this continued till late into the evening before the first ceremony would be opened.
Once we were all given a place to sit down, when it was time to go in, the guidelines for the space/ceremony were shared, everybody was given the opportunity to share their name and intention for that weekend. And we were gently guided into the moment where the medicine was served. When it was my time to go up for my first cup it felt like an honor to reconnect with a dear teacher after this crazy ass journey of the past years. My very first cup since October 2021… Which was a gift from the universe in my perspective to close down the year 2023 in such a powerful way. And then the ceremonies still had to start!
Oh and to shed some light on my personal intention; My intention was to find out the next steps into my own journey mainly professionally and how to stay close to my heart and passion when it comes to work. Because honestly, things have been blocking for a while now, despite the big amounts of effort I put into the daily work of growing and maintaining my own concept of my business, nothing was really moving besides the invitation that I got to join the group this weekend. So there is something that I’m not aware of or that is not in line with what I’m supposed to do. Things have been so intense and rapidly changing that I was in need of some help from the outside. And for the first time in a very long period I had the opportunity to go and sit with my teacher of the past years, the spirit of Ayahuasca.
The first night we were sitting with Peruvian medicine. Which reminded me a lot about Ron’s freshly cooked medicine. Sweet, thick and a nice punch that was giving shivers through your spine. But I love it, it brings back good memories. I never really had trouble with drinking Ayahuasca and dealing with the taste like many people describe how horrible bitter it can be.
So I go back to my space and sit down to float gently down into other realms, simply remaining open for anything that Ayah wanted to show me. She was so lovely and welcoming… Giving me a pat on my back for all the hard work of these past years. She congratulated me for working my way around the teachings of Renaco and also on the connection that I made with the Olive tree before the summer. So I deeply relaxed and enjoyed the warmth that was shared with me. A big relief of seeing and feeling the results of the hard work that I was doubting myself about. Which is a point I really need to continue to work on. So the energy of the first round calmed down a bit and they started to open the second round for another cup.
Now usually in Peru I very rarely take a second cup in the ceremonies, but then the way we journey in Peru is a lot shorter than what was planned for that weekend. So I stood up and went for the second round! Joyful and enthusiastic after the first cup I was looking forward to sinking a bit deeper into the space and going more to the core of what was blocking me from continuing on the path that I was trying to create professionally.
And pfew…, she came in very quickly with the message that it was time to get serious again. Time to get to work on the inside. She took me into very strong visions of the dimension that felt familiar to the energy I know from Huambisa (a different plant than Chacruna) and I connect way easier to it in comparison to the energy of Chacruna. The energy became more dense and heavy and she reintroduced me to the soul contract and agreements we had made prior to stepping into this life experience. The spirit of Ayahuasca comes in with an inner dialogue: “Remember that we are supposed to work together. I know you want to be able to help as many people as you can, but this isn’t the way you were meant to work. Your concept of falling back into a foundation for health is powerful and good. Only we agreed to call back into these traditions to advocate for the plants. And work together with us to help cleansing people of what they want to release in this lifetime. Work isn’t moving on because you’re not focused on your soul contracts.”
I started to notice the sense of responsibility rising, the importance of this work and the discipline that is a must in order to maintain this work. I felt a struggle of a part of me that wanted to get out of this position. Which was funny, because I deeply love this work, only when it comes to holding space for other people I was still holding on to fear. And to deep insecurities that were very well hidden. I’m very aware of how delicate this work is and that people literally put their soul into your hands when you are the one holding the space and serving medicine.
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So that’s the point for me when it got to the fear that I hold around this work, which is f*cking somebody up while they give you all their trust to hold space. This hasn’t happened but it is a deep fear that has been sitting inside of me for as long as I can remember. Other life times probably, that is not clear and it honestly isn’t so important. The most important thing is that I need to break through it instead of giving it the power to dominate the choice that I make for myself. I know I have to continue down this road if I want to follow the path that my soul desires to experience at this moment.
So I kind of agreed with her and shared that I would be willing to open myself up for assistance for now, but that I feel far from ready to serve medicine by myself for a whole group. Which she agreed on with me, still a lot of work to do if I ever would want to get to that point.
Next block, insecurities, I found myself into this childish energy of a very young kid, overwhelmed by the world and expectation. So my next question went into clarifying this feeling and understanding more about the roots. Because it has been hunting me for my whole life as far as my memories are able to go back. And it’s exhausting!
She took me back to when I was 5 years old. Mom and dad separated, constantly fighting whenever they connected. My mom was always carrying a lot on her shoulder and was very busy to provide a secure lifestyle as much as possible as a single mom. My stepdad came into our lives, which was ok in the beginning but this drastically changed as soon as he had his daughter on the way, my half sis. Who is very dear to my heart! Only from here I would find myself often feeling excluded from our family, spending a lot of time in my room and feeling very uncomfortable for the majority of the years to come. Feeling like I would never be good enough and like I would always need to fight to prove my own worthiness to the world.
I acknowledged the remembering of these experiences and the power that they were still holding over me until today. The purge was a bit of a struggle, I never vomited into a bucket, it seems like Ayah always likes to work her way deeply through my digestive system to take as much out as she can. I use pressure points and stimulate them with my fingers through movement and shaking to release blockages that I sense when the medicine is working its way through my physical body. To the point that I feel a big collection that is ready to be released and I make my first run of a couple of rounds to the bathroom.
After that I had a short moment reflecting back on my connection with Debra and her daughter Nora… I noticed grief hanging around my heart and in my digestive system, yet the love that was connected to these relationships was way more stronger and melted the grief that was still present. So you could say that I rediscovered the deep love and gratitude that I have for reconnecting with these two lovely ladies in this lifetime. After a couple of more runs to the bathroom, I finally managed to relax a bit deeper and it felt like a good time to ask some help for clarity and grounding my energy back into my physical body.
Shortly after observing the whole group going for Rape, things calmed down and I took my time to stand up. I went up to our dear guide who was leading the ceremony to share some of the insights with her. And she recognized some of my own struggles and the connection to addictions and insecurities. Ultimately I simply have to continue, observe and recognize these feelings. Embrace them and let go of them by continuing the path that was put in front of me. Ultimately this is what I have chosen on a soul level and again agreed upon when I opened my apprenticeship with Ron. So it was time to face it and let go of it. Our guide helped me to clear out some of those blocks by blasting a very powerful Rapé up my nose.
For the first time I had a proper serving of Brazilian Rape which was a whole new level to me. She blows gently but thouroughly building up gently to open my synusses and blow in the blend. At a certain point it felt like my head would explode like a balloon that was holding to much air. Followed by a small purge of slime blocking my airways.
Usually I would use some Mapacho too (Sacred Tobacco) to clear out some energy, but I kind of wanted to respect the rules of the house of not smoking inside and not leaving the space. First time new group, new way of working and this feels natural to me. When I’m not in a responsible position at that moment and not at home. After the ceremony I went out to do some clearing work with my beloved cigars and felt grateful for the challenges that night.
And there I found the peace to start relaxing and getting my feet back on the ground. Going outside and joining the sacred fire that was lit at the opening of the evening, where slowly people started to gather to share their experiences. And so the first ceremony was gently closed down.
I guess I slept that night somewhat around 4 hours, because I had my workshop coming up at midday! Whaaa! Let’s push through those insecurities and anxious feelings! No option to run away, no reasons for excuses, simply time to do it! That’s it! Hahaha! Oh God. But you know I was authentically open with the group and shared my previous night and what was moving inside of me. They gently and lovingly supported me and were all looking forward to getting a taste of what I wanted to share.
And so the group was gathered for a self massage in order to open the energy body, to relief the sourness of the physical body after the hard work that night, and to activate parts of the lymphatic system so the body would have an easier time to detox the chemicals that were brought in motion with drinking the medicine the night before. Because that next evening we were in for the second ceremony! After that we continued with a basic Qigong routine called Ba Duan Jin, which I use to lift up the energy to start a bright and fresh day. The idea was to follow up with some core training and I completely forgot about it with the anxious feelings that were still subtly lurking in the back of my mind and nervous system.
Eventually we closed down after the Qigong routine and we went back inside for an intuitive guided meditation after the physical exercises. Which flowed like I have been doing this for years. The results were beautiful to witness how it supported and opened a safe space for observing the patterns of and insights of the previous ceremony. Some people cried, others were deeply relaxed and grateful… Simply beautiful!
Even now, looking back at it, I didn’t bring the workshop as I had planned. It was beautiful to witness the gratitude of the whole group towards the exercises and information that I had offered. Observing myself immediately returning to this voice in my head that was hard on me for not following my own schedule, yet I noticed that simply allowing myself to flow with how the workshop went, that the people were grateful for it. So here we are, another small confrontation on how hard I’m for myself and almost missed the beauty of what I did for others. After the workshop many people continued to express their gratitude, express their curiosity about my own walk through life and the story that I wrote and carry up until today.
Another thing I deeply appreciated was the constructive feedback that I got from a couple of people in order to improve the way I presented the exercises. Because of having this as my own routine, it came to my attention that I naturally go pretty fast through the exercises, but for somebody who is following along for the first time, it is important to take time to explain each movement before putting them into practice. So Julian, if you’re reading this, epic thanks brother for this insight. I take it at heart and definitely will apply it for the future!
Another thing that was brought to my attention were people asking for an option to find this workshop online so they could continue to practice in their own private space. So for this month I’ll be trying to work it out and record with keeping an eye on the feedback that I got. So expect a free holistic self care workshop to be available online by February that is there for anybody who desires to create a morning routine for self care and that would love to start their day with a bright and fresh energy.
The day continued with an amazing lunch prepared by the team and most of the group went back to rest to get ready for the last ceremony of that weekend. Another thing that I was maybe a bit too enthusiastic about was staying amongst those that were still awake to share conversation. No thought came to mind that another long night was awaiting us, let alone that I had completely no clue of what was about to come up for me!
And so I did try to catch a short nap and a shower before the next round and within the hour I was back amongst the living! Haha…
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We were getting ready for our next ceremony and took some time to open up the space. I had my first experience with ecstatic dancing. A very interesting experience I must admit… I always loved to stay in the background and not really open up in bigger groups. Now with this part it was time to flip that around too. The whole group was invited to move freely on the music that was played. And interesting to witness for myself how the discomfort slowly started to evaporate the more I allowed my body to move without judging anything of what I was doing or letting any thoughts go to the concept of what others might think about the way I move. F*ck it and let go! It lifted the energy in the space, helped the blood flow and created a warm vibe amongst everybody in the group. What a beautiful experience!
So we sat down again and after a prayer the energy was set up to start serving the first cup.
Maybe I should take a second to share the prayer… Because I would love to bring some attention to a part of personal insights of my own journey, things that I have learned from Debra and the way I started to accept certain concepts completely detached from religion. Still some of the vocabulary might be triggering for people and hard to accept with reluctance to the church and modern religion. I’m not religious at all, but it has been a big part of the years that I started to work together with my current teacher, Pedro Panduro Navarro within the Mestizo lineage. Which has its influences of Christianity and mixed with the Amazonian traditions of working with plants.
Then connecting with Debra and gaining deeper insights in the Gnostic teachings of the Essenes and the teachings of Yeshua Ben Yosef, I started to open myself up to a deeper understanding of the vocabulary that is quite similar to what is used in the Catholic church. But the words and concepts have way deeper meanings than what Catholicism has been teaching around the world. Or that is my understanding of it so far as my experience until today goes. And so through my teacher and loved connections I started to adapt my perspective around these concepts and vocabulary.
This prayer was used in the time of the second world war apparently, looking back to how the world was back then this prayer certainly brings a very intense meaning to the table when one is able to try to put themselves, as far as possible, in people there shoes from back then. I’m from Belgium myself and the stories from grandparents and the memories are still fresh for some people.
This was the prayer that we shared and read out loud multiple times by different people.
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The Great Invocation
From the point of Light within the Mind of God
Let Light stream forth into human minds
Let Light descend on Earth.
From the point of Love within the Heart of God
Let love stream forth into human hearts
May the coming one return to Earth.
From the center where the Will of God is known
Let purpose guide all little human wills
The purpose which the Masters know and serve.
From the center which we call the human race
Let the Plan of Love and Light work out
And may it seal the door where evil dwells.
Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth.
None of this is to be taken literally, but there is a profound deep meaning that comes with opening our awareness and understanding of certain vocabulary through experience. Anyway, I don’t feel that it is my task to do this and I rather keep it to each individual who reads it. To take it as it resonates or even if it doesn’t at all resonate with you. It’s all good!
And so we had back into the ceremony, time to serve the first round of the night. Tonight, we were drinking Brazilian Ayahuasca. Which was my first time drinking medicine, not from Peru.
The first round was pure silence, many started to fall asleep, nothing really happened. Some people started to snore for the whole space, hahaha and some were just relaxing.
For me the Ayahuasca was definitely doing its work within my digestive system, but no visions or deep insights. I slowly drifted off and started to fall asleep myself..
Then the next round came up for a second cup. This time different medicine, also from Brazil. God… Did I know what was about to open up for this round…
To be continued…
And for now I’ll keep it at this. I’m surprised to see how much I have written and so I’ll give it a break. I clearly opened another part of the process by writing about last weekend. Which is to me a very powerful tool to gain clarity and move things around when you find yourself in a tight or more uncomfortable situation. This is something important I always like to share with people that ask for my guidance as a coach. As simple as it may seem, some of those things can open up doors and then it is up to the individual to give it the space to flow again and sit with what it has opened up.
I just left the house for a short break and visited the supermarket and I was light on my feet but shaking in the core of my spine and so were my knees. So with this said, it’s time to rest for the rest of my Sunday and you can expect part 2 to follow during the week!
With love and gratitude,
Nick
Thankful to you for baring yourself here. It’s insightful, relatable, and exciting all at once.