Time to clarify a couple of thing..
Let me come back to my last blog, which was a raw version of my personal processing openly shared. Yet even this is not the end of this process. The reason that I openly shared it is because from that point on, as a person dealing with codependent elements, I pushed through the fear of being seen as “the good guy”, my own insecurity around tension and avoiding conflict, and it allowed me to look honestly and clear to myself without any option of hiding from the reality instead of the stories that I was telling myself. Certain reactions were very furious and expected, only after reaching out to have this conversation with people involved I decided to just go with my intuition to share it anyways.
Most that opened up to me since I’m in Malta was focused on why I’m blocking my own way to an abundant life. Ever since I embarked on this journey to move to the Amazon, my financial aspect and the ability to be stable in this aspect was clearly a block. And it was damn hard to break it and find clarity in it. Never imagined that it would lead to the connection with codependency.
(https://mobileart.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Abundance-W-1.jpg)
Anyway, now why do we see these dynamics coming to the foreground?
To connect with the dieta in the jungle, the complete question/intention was to clear anything out that was standing in the way of having healthy relationships and to learn how to create healthy relationships in life. Back then I was already in touch with Debra, because the work that she did for me in understanding more about my soul’s history and why plants and the rainforest have always been such an attraction to me.
How little did I understand back then what I asked for and what the results would have been from including another person in this contract. Back then I didn’t make the connection to the relationship with myself, let alone that we were setting ourselves up for a really dark journey through cultural, ancestral and karmic family patterns.
This was far from clear for both of us when we decided to get together to continue the exploration of what this sacred union really is. As it was a shock for her to discover this information, so it was for me. Debra was used to perceiving information like this, which has been her gift already from childhood on. But not for me, I was raised atheistic and have been focusing for the past years mainly on this lifetime, getting my shit together and figure out what I’m here to do. Basically working on my roots before even attending to reach out to higher information and beings. Again how little did I know how much of these things that were already happening without being aware of it.
This was also deeply connected to accepting myself and myself worth (solar plexus work). Again coming to self doubt and not having any trust in the connection that I have myself and even after all those years of Ayahuasca ceremonies and dietas.
(https://images.fineartamerica.com/images/artworkimages/mediumlarge/1/solar-plexus-manami-yagashiro.jpg)
Now to first jump a bit back in time to my own memories of my childhood;
First memory of my childhood is heavy physical conflict in the kitchen between mom and dad. Or let’s say that this is the earliest memory that I was able to access so far. They divorced very early in my life. So I was very quickly alone with mom and that’s how we moved around. We did have a couple of home bases for certain periods of time, but never for really long. Before we left Germany (I was born there), my mom met my step dad and this would lead us to moving back to Belgium closer to the roots of our family. At first this was ok, and he seemed like a nice guy, until my mom got pregnant and my little sister was on her way. The dynamic of attention for my sister changed when she came to be and often I encountered a deep struggle to find my place, to express my needs and I started to separate myself in my room. Which eventually would become my main way of taking care of myself and even hide from the world in a safe space.
Was there any aggression going on, not really. Can I blame anybody for neglecting me? No not at all… This is also not shared to create a sense for victimhood or any other way to pity myself or to get attention. The only reason I share this, is because it is key when one searches for clarity to see certain patterns and habits for what they are, how they are rooted in our experiences and how they can influence our perspective on life. A child never comes with a manual and so we all basically do the best we can to give it what we didn’t receive as a child and you apply that with the knowledge and life experiences you had so far through family and parents. Eventually also the closest environment around you when we grow up and start to go to school.
And so even with family I never really felt accepted and this let me down a path of believing that I wasn’t worthy, that I was nobody, that I had to prove myself constantly to those around me in order to be valuable in life. And this slowly created a pattern of people pleasing, completely unconsciously, because as a young human being we need to adapt and survive in the world that we arrive in with what is provided by our surroundings.
(Dark souls bonfire) To much love for these games :D
A build up of many of these elements and experiences ultimately led me to leaving home when I was 16. My mom was living in France back then with my step dad and sister. And with the situation there I really didn’t feel like I belonged in France and wanted to go back to Belgium. Primarily the goal was to go and explore life by myself, because I didn’t really feel like I belonged in my own family.
Now does this mean that I have a bad connection with my mom and my dad and the rest of the family? No. We all had our stories playing out these cycles of cultural, ancestral and karmic dynamics amongst each other. Matter of fact is that I love my parents and family to pieces and I wouldn’t change it for any reason. Because these experiences and energy dynamics let me to today. The same goes for my marriage and experience in a twin flame dynamic.
I was so focused on understanding the bigger picture that I wasn’t aware of the personal story and experiences that I was holding on to. Now the experiences of our last retreat and what San Pedro showed/clarified to me, the teachings and healing was zooming in on the blockages that were created by the past story that I experienced and what my body was remembering of this period and my whole life when you look back to the roots of what create this dynamic/energy of codependency. So before, what eventually led to the opening and embracing of all that happened, it was necessary to face the story in order to release the blockages and to get to the roots. Detaching from the small self allowed me to observe without judgment and gave me the understanding of how this is a generational thing that was moving through us. Nevertheless energy needs to leave the same way it came in so the only way to properly release any blockages, energies, emotions,... is by going through them fully. There simply isn’t a shortcut or a magic pill that will dissolve all problems.
Again this is a brief overview, on realizations and clarity that I’m going through while doing my own integration work. I could go way deeper in details and create a whole study around it. But I merely wish to shed some light on it so that others might find clarity for themselves to understand their own relationships to the self and others and people that might feel very confused about the whole twin flame story that goes around in spiritual communities. And as an extra reminder, Debra is also very clear on this. Her perspective just comes from a different lens as a clairvoyant. Her work is amazing, so please don’t let any of these shared experiences doubt the information or other work that she puts out there.
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I walked into this relationship, believing that I found the one and only, although I remained unsure about the whole thing, simply because I didn’t trust myself and I started to depend completely on Debra for external information. Even feeling a lot of resistance towards this information for a long time. Which is something that she guided me through during our whole journey. Bits and pieces of information, tips and tricks to fine tune intuition and communication with guides, and so on. From the beginning this was a strange dynamic because it was so unfamiliar. For the first time I said yes to an intimate relationship for a very different reason then I would have in the past.
Even at our darkest times, we also had beautiful moments, only with the pressure we experienced, these moments became unique and not so regular the longer we were on our journey.
Now where I start to understand the reality of a sacred union, is that you are our each other’s closest mirrors. There is no other person that will be able to reflect back your deepest wounds, like they do. And then keeping in mind that we were practically 24/7 together during most of our journey through Spain. This is a very heavy intensity to spend your daily life in. How often we weren’t telling to each other that this is not normal anymore, “WTF is all this about?!”, “Why do we even behave like this towards each other?”, “I don’t feel myself anymore” ...
So but this is to me far from the one perfect love that will fulfill all your wishes and dreams. This could be, depending on the work they do amongst each other, but it doesn’t mean that every twin flame dynamic will be so. It is way bigger then I can comprehend so far and it’s nothing about personal gain.
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These short moments of awareness often gave us a breather and a moment to break a cycle. I feel that the intensity of this hard deep work, whilst being in a situation of nowhere to go or to take a break from each other (no option, nor space for runner/chaser dynamics), is eventually what drove us apart. And yes both of us played out many toxic patterns, one after another. Like we were cycling through a whole list of blocked dynamics that needed to be released. One to heal ourselves and also for our ancestors and family lines.
So am I a codependent person, no… These were coping mechanisms that I took up as a kid to survive in the world that I found myself. Is Debra a narcissist? No far from, but also she learned coping mechanisms to survive in the world that she grew up in. And this is simply where we picked up our responsibility to work on that. That was the foundation of our marriage to me. All this deep inner work. Going on a journey where there was only a connection to the divine for guidance. I can’t see any bigger jump than completely stepping into the unknown to be guided by all these subtle signs and insights to create a better life for oneself and those that you love.
Now by understanding for myself how these dynamics/energies play out there is no focus anymore on a personal level. It is simply energy playing out so we can move beyond that and continue to grow.
And I wouldn’t have done any of this without Debra… It took tremendous courage and will power to face our deepest fears and wounds. But only through facing the reality of things I was able to find this deeper love. A new understanding of love and not one attached to the perspective of a codependent mechanism. That’s why I can still say today that I love her to pieces, always will and remain supportive of anything she wants to do and be in life.
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And this is as well why I lost my on my own roll in service, I had it wrong the whole time. This is where I stepped into my power with our last ceremonies, connecting with this deeper love for all that is and serve from an open heart and full acceptance of self. Through these experiences I’m capable now of listening and assistance with a way deeper understanding then ever before.
And as brutal as it may sound, we always have a choice, even in the darkest places we can find ourselves in. Because ultimately, it is always our own choice, belief systems and thoughts that create an experience for us, to be able to grow. And this is where we can all take responsibility back into our own hands. First start with clearing ourselves out, to discover clarity, be brutally honest with what you are feeling, express this through your voice or any other means of creativity. So it can guide you to a higher perspective. This can’t happen when we stay focused on our own stories, so the art becomes accepting of the story. It was your experience and it was real. Which counts for every individual involved in any dynamic. They also have a very real experience, it only will be a different perspective from the dynamics that plays out.
But this doesn’t say who and what we are.. This is the part that we can continue to cultivate and to grow ourselves. Each individual writes their own story. That’s where freedom and responsibility step in. True growth can’t happen when we deny our own shadow parts and so the true sacred union, to me, happens within. To embrace yourself completely and to start to live your life from there on.
Looking back now, at any miserable moment in my life, depression, feeling lost, the pain and the suffering,... All these moments have been a kiss from angels of transformation. And so they happened for me and not against me.
This said, I would do it all over again, because each element, experience and human being that ever crossed my path was a part of the recipe to find my way home.
I rest my case on this one.
From now on I will walk forward with clarity.
(https://media.makeameme.org/created/case-there-is.jpg)
Feel free to reach out in person through email or in the comments, I can imagine and noticed with my last blog too, that it left many people with questions, so feel free to share them!
Love you all and thanks for your time reading these loops and mind/heart benders that I have been sharing for the past couple of years.