Magic beyond Malta

Part II

Source: https://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED808/594934b9dc341.jpeg

So last time I left you all hanging on the side of a cliff, where the craziest part of that weekend was about to start.

Now I’m a bit later than I had planned to write this following chapter. Integration has been a bit rough on my side. A lot of stuff has been moving through from old thought patterns that have been dominating my life to very deep emotions connected to grief, sadness, frustration, anger and pain that I have been holding for such a long time, that I completely forgot about them. Nevertheless, they were simply dormant until I was willing to allow them the space to resurface.

I’ve been so deep in a state of survival these past years, that I created this invisible wall that has been hardening under the conditions that I had put myself in. Just to be able to continue each day without being sweeped of my feet and getting overwhelmed by the sea of emotions that I was unconsciously pushing down.

Since Malta, Ayahuasca has been smashing this wall until it started to crack and the wall broke down as soon as I got back into my personal space in Spain. It forced me down to face it all before being able to pick up my obligations and daily life again…

But for now, let’s pick up where I left the story hanging.

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So we had our first cup that night which was apparently the silence before the storm…

While drifting off into the dream space, I noticed myself dropping in and out of daily reality until one of the guides was standing in front of me clearing my space with a bundle of bane leaves and a big smile on her face. There I was, back in the space of the ceremony.

We were called up again for a second cup! I couldn’t believe that so much time had already passed by. It was just a blink away since we had our first cup in my experience. This time I took some time to come back to myself and let the other people go before standing up for the next one.

When it was my turn I noticed the joy in this marvelous lady’s face who was leading the space. As curious and observant as I can be, I joked away about an unexpected change of medicine that was served. It was thicker and sweet again, very similar to the medicine of the first night, but from Brazil. It looked like she already knew what was coming and I had no clue, hahaha!

So with gratitude and a big smile on my face I thanked her for the second cup and sat down again in my spot. I closed my eyes and continued to focus on the music, which was so lovely!
I don’t have any recordings of it, but I can share an album with you guys that is from the band where our musician was a part of. Feel free to check it out in the link below.

The medicine came up very quickly, like waves of visions with the complete spectrum of making its awareness present in all my senses. Thinking, “Sweet, here she is, let’s go!”.

I noticed one of the guys from the group processing deep sadness and wanted to help him clear some of it out. So I jumped up with my own agua de florida infused with the leaves of the olive tree that I had dieted before the summer. From a distance I blew the aromas into his energy field and noticed that he was calming down and managing to navigate his experience with a bit more comfort and clarity. And went back to my place. The urge was too big, and Ayah was happy to witness that I listened to this impulse. This was the beginning of finding my own place in this space amongst the people that were there to work and serve.

But I was going through a “battle” myself of not wanting to push myself upon the group and pushing down intuitive urges of filling in a role of service. So I tried to behave and feel into the space before taking action on my intuition.

All of a sudden the head of the space asked my attention for assistance.
One of my friends had joined us that weekend. We’ve been going through a mentorship on developing his intuition and learning to connect with plants in our program. When the opportunity came up for me to go to Malta for ceremonies I connected him with the circle and very quickly the decision was made to join us that weekend.

This was his first experience with Ayahuasca and he was having a rough time.

The music is meant to be a guide and to open things up that many try to avoid or keep out of the line of sight during daily life. But when you sit in the space of a ceremony there is no more way around it, only through the things that we’ve been avoiding for such a long time. That’s where the healing happens. Being put in a situation where there is nothing else left but that which we have avoided for such a long time.

He was feeling very uncomfortable and the head of the space came up to me to help him, asking for my opinion on what to do with him. He was shivering from the cold sensations in his body, while the space was nice and warm. So I told her to take him outside for a quick breath of fresh air, while I could do some work with Mapacho on him.

Source: https://takiwasi.com/images/articulos/sinchi2.jpg

After everything I have learned these past two years to connect to my intuition without having any medicine around to work with. I became more familiar with the nature of my own intuition and how information comes through in the subtle layers of my own awareness. I received a lot of information on what was going on with him while clearing his energy with Mapacho (tobacco from the Amazon). And before I realized I was working instead of being on my own journey on the inside. No clue how long I was there with my friend.

It was time to get him back inside, because I started to notice that he was trying to escape the space. The music became uncomfortable to him and ultimately this led me to the inside that he was actually trying to run away from his healing and the confrontation of what was going on.
The cold that he was feeling was connected to a blockage inside his energy, connected to the relationship with his dad and being in a position of taking care of himself from a young age. Now the medicine had put him in a place where he went back to a place where there was no other option than asking for help and not being able to help himself. Which was an important lesson to him. So after the clearing he managed to purge a big part of this energy, accepted the help and I brought him back in.

But still he tried to sit close to the bathroom on the side of the space, reluctant to sit back on his spot, on the side of the musicians. He was completely unaware of the other people in the space and kept on talking, fighting the loop of thoughts that he was cycling into. So I stayed on his side and gave him my attention. After a couple of cycles I brought his attention back to his breath each time the cycle kicked in again. These loops can be very confusing and hard to go through, but that’s how powerful our thoughts can be when we don’t have them under control and that’s how they can dominate our experience. So I had to remind him often to keep silent and breathe through this experience in order to break the cycle.

Until one of the team members brought it to my attention that he is still trying to escape. So I told him it was time to go and sit back in his place and gently he agreed.

After he found his space again, I found myself standing there in the space of the ceremony, observing the explosion of energies and many people going through a wild ride. The energy completely flipped around in comparison to the beginning of this evening. Welcome to the new year, 2024 kicked off! It was like an ER at a hospital for holistic healthcare, the energies were really kicking up. Nothing like the first night…

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“So what do I do now?” I asked myself. My neighbor was laying down on my spot. And I had the feeling that I wasn’t meant to sit down again on my spot to continue my own journey. There she came back to me, Ayahuasca. “Now is your time… It’s time to fill in our agreement. Time to get to work, dear.”

Immediately I felt my own resistance coming in again, arguing that this wasn’t agreed upon, that it isn't my space and that I’m not sure if this is even allowed. It was my very first time in this group so I wanted to keep my respect to their rules of holding space and not push myself into doing things that might not be the same way of working as how the team works.

And so I found myself at the door close to the bathrooms and the way outside where it was easy to observe the whole group. At the same time the medicine was so strong that it took a huge effort to keep it together for myself and focus on the space. Running around here and there to clear some people’s energy with the limited resources that I had, my agua de florida…

I’m so used to working with my Mapacho that this demanded me to look for a different approach than I used to do. Which was a challenge by itself, questioning if I’m even able to get the job done. But after observing the subtle shifts in energy of people that were struggling with their process I was surprised to see how others were experiencing the clearing that I was doing.

There were moments that I started to feel uncomfortable with not knowing how to take action and observed that I was going through my own confrontation of holding space and constantly taking action in order to be “useful”. Which was just a part of my masculine energy out of balance, not feeling useful or scared to be judged as lazy when I’m not taking action. Which comes from the culture where I have grown up.

So I sat down and focused on the space, holding my own space together and observing the space around me for the group. I found myself slipping into breathing energy and becoming a rock in this space to transmute the energies that were flying around. Grounding in my light to become a part of the group’s space. Prayers started to flow through me that I had never spoken before. A very powerful divine feminine presence descended in the space of the ceremony that blew me away completely. I couldn’t believe what was happening, the responsibility that I was given and the trust to support the team. Without any communication they had respect for me and acknowledged my presence and energy. Continuously I noticed myself questioning my position while getting confirmation from those around me that were assisting in the space. But without words. Like telepathy was a part of the way things work.

Source: https://www.demedicines.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/ayahuasce-demedicines-1-1024x633.jpg

Now writing this, I find myself again in a bliss of gratitude and crying with grace that it was my time to step into my role of service… I was led into my graduation as a student on new years eve, not knowing that it was my time to step up. In a group that I didn’t really know, although that it felt like a connection of family from multiple lifetimes. The divine energy in this space was of an intensity that I haven’t experienced before and I even lack the vocabulary to express this in ways that somebody else could fully understand what was happening that night.

And to be honest, writing this now brings up a lot for myself… I feel like I need to take some time to let this settle in. And I guess a third chapter isn’t too much to conclude the aftermath and a part of my own integration process…

If there is one thing that I’ve learned is that I can’t force anything and that I have to respect what comes up. To give it space, to feel it and not push it down.

Thank you for reading, I hope this experience can shed some light on how it is to practice this work with plants within the Amazonian traditions. It’s hard work that demands a lot of training and deep personal work before you're able to assist and support people in this space. Let alone the next step of leading a space for a whole group. This responsibility is a lot and takes a lot of courage to be able to hold such a space.

For now all my blessings and love to you who read this and were a part of this space…
Love you all and thanks for the trust of leading me into this next step of my soul’s path…
Big hug and lots of love

Nick