Cycles of death and rebirth
I needed to lose myself over and over again to find my way back home
Kind of a foreword,
writing this blog was more meant for myself. It’s a bit all over the place and with proofreading I come to understand that there are still elements that need to fall in their place. So it might be that you experience a couple of jumps from one thing into another and overlapping in timelines. This basically helps me to find some more clarity and assistance in processing all this for myself.
Thank you for reading!
It has been a while since I shared anything on my Substack.
The break-up of my marriage and arriving in a place that is so full of love and support, like I have never experienced before, was the offset for deep recovery and integration of the crazy adventure I have embarked upon since I left Belgium in 2021.
Back then, after covid, I sold everything and left my country/comfort behind to find myself and give my whole being to the plants in the rainforest. Asking them to show me my way.
This is something that I have been struggling with ever since I connected with the Amazonian tradition of healing with plants. Often receiving these gentle and subtle invitations to work with them and dedicate my whole being to be in service of mother nature and humanity. Yet I was declining this invitation for years…
Why me? Anybody can do this work… Or at least that’s what I thought. I was just there to find my way. Never would I have thought that they would be my way (working with plants). As many of us do, reaching out to older traditions to heal ourselves and discover ourselves is becoming more and more normal these days. On the outside it might have become a hype but it is also very much needed these days with the rapid changes and transformations that we are going through on a collective and individual level. Plants to me our wisdom keepers and teachers that hold the mysteries of life itself. It takes a lot of courage to embark upon journeys with these allies.
These last months were so intense that I completely disconnected from everything I used to do. Like writing on a regular basis, having an online business and presence on social media. Doing this together with my ex wife got me into such a fixation of constantly working and creating content that it was practically all that I was doing for 6 days on 7. Just to discover that I missed a real connection to do hands-on with people in real life. Instead of waiting for the right circumstances I started to reach out on facebook for people that could use some extra help in ceremonies and which would ultimately be my opportunity to emerge deeply into physical work directly with others during, between and after ceremonies. Thanks to this angel that reached out to me at the end of last year. I’m doing today exactly what my soul was craving to do, being of service to others and working with plants again.
Which is all really beautiful and powerful, but it wasn’t a straight and clear way to get here.
The past years have been so crazy… opening up to more etheric concepts like other life times, guides, angels, dragons, galactic beings and the Akashic records for example… I was always skeptical and careful to accept any information that felt ungrounded to me. Also allowing myself to open up to understand and experience a twin flame dynamic in the setting of a marriage while traveling around Spain and purely navigating on intuition and guidance from these etheric beings. It often felt like a fight to keep my sense of reality sane. Yet being completely unaware of the growth it was potentially holding depending on how we were dealing with the lessons that would play out in our relationship and the lessons we would encounter in the world outside while being on this journey.
From the beginning of my marriage I already noticed a lot of red flags, that I dismissed on a constant basis. I thought that it would be enough to take them out of there old environment, to get of of these dramatic and toxic dynamics. Yet I didn’t knew much about narcissistic patterns and the influences of trauma which can lead to such personality imbalances. Now seeing and understanding on a deeper level that this is the cause of heavy childhood trauma and relationships of the past. Which it eventually was, only at a certain point in life it becomes each individual's personal responsibility to clear these patterns. Because this is where the opportunity for growth can be discovered. The only question is how willing a person is to go through these shadow parts to find the clarity, understanding and collect the tools to grow out of these preset experiences and embrace the opportunities that come along with it, hidden in dust and dirt, waiting to be cleansed.
Yet, I just had to face the brutal fact that this was the reason of losing myself. Being in a relationship with a person struggling with these elements, this thought me a lot and I definitely belief that a person can work on this. That this isn’t impossible to grow out from. If a person’s struggling with such deep an heavy traumas and is opening up to treatment there is definitely a way out of this imbalance within. But it takes acceptance to be able to straighten this out. And a huge dosis of courage to face these painful shadows of the past.
This experience took me so far through gaslighting and illusions that I completely lost my sense of reality and experienced exactly what isn’t healthy in a relationships.
So the only option was to come back to myself and first review my relationship with myself on the inside. Finding harmony here, would eventually lead to better relationships around me. Only I started to notice that this process started to guide me away from this relationship. Which went completely against the believes that were maintaining the twin flame story. As soon as I opened myself up to selfcare I wasn’t fulfilling the needs of my partner anymore , which led to finding somebody else for her and me finding myself again. And it just drove us apart. Now to me this was a very important lesson.
If I can’t take care of myself, I’m denying my partner from having Nick in his fullest being. Which ultimately will become a block in the relationship. All healthy relationships come forth from a balanced relationships with yourself. I can’t control what other people do, but I can control the choices that I make and the way I take care of my own being. So the tone was set for a new approach to create a healthy relationship with myself in order to eventually see this blooming into the relationships around me. No matter the cost, otherwise I would have been in that dark place for the rest of my life.
So after this journey to find such a warm and loving social circle, it felt like stepping into a different world that demanded some time to adept to. Apparently it is as uncomfortable to go into dark places out of the familiar as it is to go into unfamiliar places where things are so good that it also becomes uncomfortable. It’s all new, good or bad… So just take time to adept without forcing anything.
The team here has a tremendous amount of patience when it comes to holding space for a person to go through this on their own tempo. Last weekend was the opening and breakthrough to finally fully embrace what I am, and why I’m here. For the first time in ceremonies I kicked the small voice out of the door that was constantly second guessing anything that I was doing with this work.
“Why me?”
“I’m not ready, I can’t even sing yet.”
“All this responsibility, I’m definitely gonna f*ck it up again.”
Until I told that voice to simply f*ck off. Realizing it wasn’t even me, just the small self dominating my mental plain. Which has been my biggest battle I have been fighting my whole life. (Excuses for my language, but that was literally the conversation in my mind.)
Even before the ceremonies started that weekend, we adapted some new ways of setting space and bringing in some personal connections that I developed myself over the years working with plants in Peru and observing my teachers on how they set the space with tobacco and pray to their connections. How little did I realize that this would be the offset for a completely new way of allowing myself to do what I’m here to do.
We’ve been going through some very turbulent experiences ourselves here, dealing with attacks and trickster energies that eventually revealed our potential and were rather a kiss in the cheek of an angel of transformation. Instead of something happening against us.
During this time I also applied, with my dear sister from another mother, to book a SRT session, which is energetic work that happens over distance. Where the focus goes to clearing out any entities and parasitic energies from our own energy and physical body.
You know, when you turned all the stones 10.000 times and you realized you did as much as you could by yourself but still didn’t manage to clear out certain things. Then this is a very efficient and direct way to deal with anything that has been holding you back. So doing this therapy session allowed me to reset my energy body and completely detach from anything that isn’t part of myself. How little did I know, how much of my focus for my path and the goals I had for myself in life were directed by external energies and weren’t even completely grounded in my own personal essence.
This led me in a complete identity crisis, it opened a level of confusion that was just paralyzing. It took me a couple of weeks to recalibrate and to adapt back to my own energy. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to continue working with plants. All of a sudden the urge to go back to Belgium, give up all the healing and holistic work, getting a normal job and living a simple human life were things that started to dominate my mind. Which was a big conflict to me, a couple of weeks ago I thought I finally got a hold of my direction in life and that this wasn’t even questionable anymore. Yet I found myself in a place where I was completely lost.
Now the way that my friends, “soul family” to be honest, here in Malta held space for me, supported me without forcing anything. That trust that they held for me in my own capabilities and what we are capable of doing together even while I wasn’t sure anymore. Was like an anchor in a safe space that allowed me to be safe and find my own way back.
I remember, one day, I was helping out my little sister, Kristen. She’s like sunshine itself, like a tiny elf expressing joy and simply here to share her bright energy (and amazing food). I was helping out to clean her place while I could swear that at a certain point I smelled Mapacho. Yet nobody had Mapacho (jungle tobacco).
Long story short, I shared this with another sister, the angel that took me under her wings. And she proposed a tobacco cleansing. It’s a powerful energy cleansing with the smoke of tobacco infused with prayer. This brought a big part of me back. And this ultimately led to the way we prepared the space last weekend for the opening of the ceremonies. And me reconnecting to doing my work with tobacco and allowing my ancestors to do so, working through me.
The past two Ayahuasca ceremonies allowed me the opportunity to embrace my through power and step into service. Doing my work with tobacco and perfumes, while simply getting out of my own way so ancestors and plant spirits could work freely through me. Which was deeply empowering and felt like coming home. Only this was one side of the things coming up for me. Even while working with others, we navigate through our own process at the same time.
To shed some light on this. For years I noticed that something was blocking me financially to grow, to have a personal business and simply experience abundance in life, not only financially. I mean overall abundance. This led me to dive deep into my own programming around beliefs and thought patterns that were a part of me since childhood. Now while traveling with Debra this has been a very dark journey through my own created hell in co-creation with the personal hell that she was experiencing. Which was simply a part of how we came into life and the lesson we chose to learn as a soul here on earth at this time. And this is all beautiful to read and to think about the possibilities of this. But let me tell you that this has been one of the darkest places I ever visited in my life…
Over the past ceremonies I’ve been shedding a lot of grief and pain for the past. Discovering the love I truly had for the ladies that were once a part of the family we wanted to create, a form of unconditional love I haven’t experienced often. Now I know I have this with me at all times and that is a part of the medicine that I share with those around me, by simply being myself. When a deep understanding comes out of how childhood and dysfunctionality of a family can become a huge part of the foundation of our individual experience of life. Then it becomes possible to hold these dark experiences in a place of light and clarity, with gratitude for where they have brought us. And this is something I could feel during many of our ceremonies since the new year of 2024. Yet I didn’t realize how much of an influence this whole journey with my marriage was. Yet with feeling all this love I was still blind or unconsciously unwilling to accept what really happened.
This opened up last weekend with Huachuma…
(Huachuma - San Pedro)
Huachuma is medicine from the Andean mountains, also known as the chemical mescaline. Strong medicine that directly opens the heart and is very clear in the way it teaches and heals. The ceremonies are around 12-13 hours and usually happen during the day. Which is already by itself a completely different setting than drinking Ayah at night when the portals to the spirit realms open up. After those two magical Ayahuasca ceremonies, revealing my path and my essence, reconnecting with the plants and ancestors to the work that I’m meant to practice.
Huachuma came in with a very different side.
“Now you have seen what you are and you have had a taste of what you’re capable of when you get out of your own way. Abundance comes when you embrace your role of service. To be able to maintain this service you need to start accepting and embracing your own weakness, open your heart, allow yourself to feel the pain and the grief of what really happened to you. It is okay to feel weak and not to be able to be strong for others once in a while. You have given so much of yourself that you need to allow yourself to be held by those around. Don’t carry all this wait alone, you’re amongst family here, open up and allow yourself to let go of the past with acceptance.”
I experienced a lot of resistance that day, clenching my teeth and trying to stay strong and to hold the energy that I was feeling. During this ceremony we dedicated 4 separate moments to hold a ritual for each element. Water, fire, earth and wind, during the course of the whole day. We opened that day with a ritual for water which was just mind blowing, so powerful that it was almost like real magic. Praying to the water, where one of our dear family members had the opportunity to lead the prayer for water. Because of his own very unique relationship with water. He’s an athlete, open sea swimmer that dedicated his whole being to the sea and finding peace in discomfort. Pushing the physical boundaries way beyond expectations. So you can imagine the deep love and connection that he feels and holds for water on our planet.
Next to this, we had the honor of having a Mexican brother in the band this weekend who is deeply connected to the wisdom and teaching of his ancestors. He opened the ceremony and started to chant like a Mayan chief that was embodying each feeling and expression that each individual held at that moment. Love for the feminine, grace for the water on our planet, all the emotions we were holding on to were expressed in his prayers/music. You could feel the wind moving through the space stirring up the energies in the space, moving the water inside all of us. Tears were shed, hearts were poured out, hearts were cleansed by the strength and the medicine of our dear element water. It is right after this ritual that I broke down. Felt the need to express my gratitude and love for members of the team that held me when I was at my weakest and when I didn’t have anybody around me. They took me in without any expectations, gave me love like I never experienced before. Tremendous amounts of golden patience and trust in my capabilities that I wasn’t even willing to accept myself a while ago.
After that I left the ceremony to go outside and sit with some tobacco, feet in the ground in front of a big tree. Where I started to cry and pour my heart out, starting to allow myself to feel all that was locked up in my heart… Realizing I actually managed to get out of a very abusive situation…
I came to realize that my “twin flame adventure” was more a trauma bond filled with emotional and mental abuse, instead of the fluffy idea of your one true soulmate, your second half… Rather the perfect mirror to play out any karma and trauma that blocks one to step into their full potential…
I gave all of myself in this relationship until I lost myself completely. Which was of course my own decision and I take bluntly full responsibility for this choice. And this needed to come out simply to accept what happened and to fully let go of any density that was holding me back from moving forward. If I give my heart to someone I go full-on and that was for me the symbol of this marriage. Open up to sides of life that I had no experience with and being there to support the growth of my family, unconditionally. Even if this meant a big cost on myself. And ultimately the clarity to release co-depend patterns from the past were straight in front of me. Ready to be released.
As soon as I noticed the importance of self care this picture of our marriage started to crumble down, yet without selfcare there isn’t anything to support a healthy relationship. No matter how strong certain intentions are. Many bad things happen in the world with the best intentions. It just takes brutal honesty to face certain things. Now accepting this whole experience and everything that happened was a tremendous gift in life experience, learning about the relationship to one self and how this relationship infuses all other relationships that we built with other human beings.
And this was exactly my intention with my last dieta in the jungle…
“I want to learn how I can cultivate and maintain healthy relationships in life.”
And this whole journey started after that dieta with a strangler fig tree from the Amazon rainforest… A true master in flexibility, perseverance, relationships, mysteries of the soul, offering powerful protection and connection between the earth and the sky, and so much more…
28 days of dieting a tree took me on this wild journey for the past years… Never to underestimate the power of plants again and from now on asking less in the style of ultimatums and dosing out my growth and expectations towards a more stable and harmonious way of growing instead of hunting down personal growth.
Even everything I shared here now, is still just a scratch on the surface of everything that played out over these past 3 years.
So now you guys have a bit of an idea why I disappeared from social media and my presence with my online business. A lot of deep work has been done, I finally made it back home, inside myself and amongst my soul family… Ready for a complete new start in life. And very happy to settle with a normal full-time job on the side. While I’ll slowly pick up my work as an integration coach again.
Sometimes you need to lose yourself to find your way home…
Aho!
So much love to all of you,
Oh and some special thanks to a couple of writers here on Substack too, for they have been such beautiful guides with the intuitive information that they share. You guys were a part of the anchor that I had keeping me attached to reality and all of you were there exactly when I was looking for some clarity and guidance within this whole adventure. So much love to
And of course the whole Maltese family here, love you guys so much, thank you all for being such unique and marvelous beings. It’s an honor to walk next to you guys!
In deep gratitude,
Nick
Love you Nick! So glad you’re back and that you took the time you needed 🙏🏾🤗💛
Powerful and beautiful, Nick.
Very inspirational to us who are walking our own path to embracing our deep true self.
🙏💜